These Things I Need to Say
by cake and pie
Summary: In New Moon when Alice, Bella and Edward came back from Volterra I felt that the reunion was just a little too easy. This is a oneshot in which Bella shows Edward, the Cullens and herself that she is not a complete pushover. Twilight.AU ending of New Moon


Setting: New Moon (At the end of the book, after Bella, Edward, and Alice have come back from Volterra.)

Disclaimer: All of these characters belong to Stephanie Meyer and I am in no way profiting from the writing of this story.

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The rest of the Cullens had been waiting for us at the airport in Seattle. It was like the strangest mix between dream and reality and after having thought about this moment so many times for so many months I thought it was strange that all I could feel was an intense feeling that the world was spinning too fast. The confusion had been building ever since we got out of Volterra, and all through the plane ride I'd hardly been able to say two words.

The rush to get to Italy, to Volterra, to the town square before Edward died had been filled with single-minded determination. There had been no room for confusion or doubt. Standing in front of the Volturi had been several long moments of mind-numbing fear and thinking that surely I had cheated death too many times already to be given another chance. But Alice had spoken up for me and said what needed to be said for the Volturi to let me live, and I was surprised at how little it had hurt when Edward hadn't been able to do the same.

When the subject of me being turned had come up I had agreed to the idea (it was the one thing I had always wanted, wasn't it?) and was surprised at how it made my stomach turn. How it made my insides chill with fear, so unlike the longing and happiness I'd expected to feel.

He'd held me in his arms all the way out of Volterra, in the car to the airport, and he'd sat next to me on the plane holding me close to him. This was the place where I had wanted to be for so long and now that I was here, in Edward's arms, I was surprised at the confused mess that my feelings were in.

No one noticed my strange state of mind when the Cullens were reunited (when I was reunited with them just as I'd dreamed about for so long) except maybe Jasper. He was giving me a searching look and all I could do was give him a blank look back, because if I myself don't understand my own feelings then there is no way that he can. I think they all probably thought I was in shock.

During the drive back to Forks I was sitting in the passenger seat of the car looking out the window with Edward driving beside me. I tried to sort through my feelings, because we were getting closer to Forks and I needed to get myself straightened out before we got there.

When he took my hand with one of his, the cold made me jump and almost pull it back. I was surprised then, at the sudden wave of anger that rushed over me. I had waited for him to come back for a long time, and now I just wanted to be away from him. To tell him to stop the car so I can get out, walk the rest of the way if I have to, call Charlie and have him pick me up. Anything except being in this car with him holding my hand as if he'd never been gone and the anger rising up in my throat until it threatened to suffocate me.

The confusion passed away slowly but still stayed simmering under the surface wondering why I was reacting like this (I should be happy, shouldn't I?), and instead the anger filled me and started boiling through my blood. I was glad that Jasper wasn't in the car. It hadn't been his fault what had happened, and I wouldn't want him to have to go through feeling my messed up emotions when I hardly understood the origin of them myself.

Except I did understand the origin, didn't I?

6 months.

That was where my anger stemmed from, wasn't it?

In 6 months I hadn't been able to feel angry even once. Not for him leaving. I'd felt so many other things – I'd felt the hurt so badly that I thought it would kill me, thought that maybe it was possible to die of a broken heart. I'd felt the inadequacy issues I knew I'd had but tried to suppress all my life – because Charlie had loved mom so much but hadn't loved either of us enough to fight for us (or enough to leave this stupid town for us), and Edward had said he loved me and then said he hadn't. He'd said I wasn't good enough for him, and I'd believed him.

I'd never thought I was good enough for him anyway. Never really thought I was much good for anything or anyone. He'd known that about me and it made my anger spike even more when I thought that _he'd known_ and he'd used that knowledge to hurt me.

The other cars were already parked in front of the Cullens' house so I knew they were all here. I didn't make a move to get out of the car until Edward opened the door on my side and undid my seatbelt, like I was a little child and that made my anger spike again because he'd always thought that I was _too young_ for anything hadn't he? Too young to understand the world. Too young to understand myself. Too young to know what I wanted to do with _my _life.

He had his arm around my waist as we walked into the house and I almost recoiled at his touch, and was surprised at how different it felt from how it had used to feel.

Inside the house there was another tearful reunion (except without the tears, because –I reminded myself – vampires can't cry). Everyone was hugging Edward and I stayed just by the doorway to the living room, feeling out of place looking at this scene. My confusion was still roiling inside my stomach and through my body, but the anger was also there and the hurt was starting to come back too. Jasper looked at me and I knew he could feel my emotions. He glanced at Edward, and I knew (would realise later, looking back at it) that he had realised what was going to happen before even I had a firm view of it.

When they all turned towards me, smiling, I felt my stomach turn again. Edward walked up to me, ready to take me in his arms, and the only thing I could do was step back. I took several steps back away from them all towards the opposite corner of the living room.

He stopped walking. All of their smiles wavered and dropped and I was surprised at how pleased I was by that.

"Bella?" His voice was soft and entrancing just as it had always been, but now it only made me even angrier. I didn't know what to say, how to explain what I was feeling – how much things had changed. But I knew there was a question that I needed answered.

"Why?"

It was the only word I could get out. I wasn't even entirely sure what I was asking, what I wanted him to say. _Why _was such a broad word, there were so many whys I needed him to explain and looking at his face I realised he didn't even know that. Didn't even know how many _whys_ he'd left me with when he walked away, how much they'd torn me apart from the inside. It somehow made my anger grow even more, and I wanted to scream at him. _Why?_

Why did you leave?

Why did you have to break me _before_ you threw me away like I'd never meant anything to you?

Why did you say you loved me, made me love you back, and then let me fall without coming back to catch me like you always said you would?

"Oh, Bella." His voice was pained and once upon a time that would have been enough for me to take back the question, to run into his arms and say that _it doesn't matter_ (even though it did). That the only thing that mattered was that he was back now, that we would be together again.

Except it wasn't the only thing that mattered. I realised that now. Things had changed. _I _had changed. Much more than I thought I had.

"I'm so sorry. I didn't want to leave Bella. I never wanted to leave you."

_But why did you?_ I thought it but didn't say it, for the first time unsure of whether or not I actually wanted him to be able to read my thoughts or not. A part of me wanted it so that he could hear all the things I didn't know how to say.

"Leaving you was the hardest thing I ever had to do. Every minute away from you felt like it was killing me a little more bit by bit, I thought about you every moment – I imagined your face, your voice, and it was so hard not to give in and come back."

He looked like he might cry if he was human, his eyes oddly glistening, and Alice looked like she might have too where she stood wrapped in Jasper's arms. But my anger was still simmering, boiling up even more at each word – because how can he stand and tell me about _his_ suffering when he was the one who left me behind. He was still talking and I made an effort to listen to the words.

"... Bella. Your safety and your happiness mean so much more to me than my own. That was the only thing that managed to keep me away, the thought that you would be better off without me. All those times that you were in danger, that you almost died, because of me – because of my presence in your life – I couldn't bear to let it happen again. I couldn't be so selfish. I knew that you would have a chance at a better life without me here, that one day you would move on and even if I would never be able to find happiness again, one day _you_ could."

_Right. _I remembered. Because I was a human and my_ mind was like a sieve_, wasn't it? Because I would forget and _time would heal all wounds_. I could feel my eyes burning and I was glad for the anger at that moment, because I thought the anger might be the only thing that kept me from crying. I couldn't cry, not now – there were too many things that needed to be said.

"I hated myself even more for _how_ I had to leave you_. You weren't going to let go. I could see that. I didn't want to do it—it felt like it would kill me to do it—but I knew that if I couldn't convince you that I didn't love you anymore, it would just take you that much longer to get on with your life. I hoped that, if you thought I'd moved on, so would you._**(1)**"

I could hear Alice gasp and see the surprised faces of the Cullens, and I knew that they hadn't known about this. For a moment I had the irrational urge to hit him and I thought that maybe if I wouldn't break my hand in the process I might have.

My throat closed up as I tried to get the words out, and I didn't manage to say anything.

_Was it true? Was any of it true?_

Those were the words I wanted to ask and for that little moment I did wish he could read my mind. But he might have read the questions in my eyes instead.

"_I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn't want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!_**(2)** As if it was even possible for me to ever stop loving you!"

Here they were.

The words I'd wanted to hear for so long, the words that would once have made me feel so happy and whole, and now all they managed to do was make my chest clench painfully. As if he'd taken a hold of the knife and twisted it one more time.

I could see Jasper wince and knew he'd felt it. Edward was looking intently at me, and I knew from experience that when he was so intent on one person he didn't hear the thoughts of those around him as much. I was pretty sure he wasn't hearing Jasper's thoughts right now.

Alice was frowning and pouting all at once, looking heartbroken and apprehensive, and it surprised me how _good_ that felt. I had never been an angry person, always been the quiet one who no one really noticed much, and I'd never thought I'd have all of this anger inside of me. But I could feel it now and somehow it felt _good_. Like all of the hurt and the pain was being burnt away by this searing rage. The anger didn't even leave the confusion behind, or the insecurity – only the feeling that this was what I _needed_ to feel. This was what I had needed to feel for a really long time but I hadn't been able to pull myself out of my self-pitying depression for long enough to do it.

I hadn't known how I was supposed to feel or think for such a long time, but _damn it_ I was _right_ to feel this way! Because Alice had been my best friend, as close a thing to a _sister_ as I'd ever had, and she had _left me_ – they'd _all_ left me (like family wasn't supposed to leave each other) – without even as much as a goodbye. She had said she loved me, they'd all said they loved me like a member of their family (except maybe Rosalie, but I had never expected more from her) but they had obviously never loved me enough. Because I might have a messed up family and few friends but even I know that if you _love_ someone then you _fight_ for them.

She looked surprised and hurt at the anger in my eyes when I looked at her, and I couldn't bring myself to feel sorry about that. Edward took another step towards me, and when I looked back at him he had a pleading look on his face.

"Bella, that... that was the thing that killed me the most. The thing that tore me up inside._ After all the thousand times I've told you I love you, how could you let one word break your faith in me?_**(3)**"

The surge of anger that went through me at that moment felt like it was burning through my veins, and I could tell by the look on Jasper's face in the background that he knew Edward had said the wrong thing. The anger gave me strength, made my back straighten in that way that lack of confidence had always prevented. I could see that Edward was going to continue speaking but I couldn't let him. My voice had finally returned to me (or maybe I'd found it for the first time) and I had to use it now before it got away from me again. Because there were things that needed to be said, things I needed him to hear me say.

"No." It was only one word, but it broke my state of muteness and I was proud of that little achievement. "You don't get to do this again."

And that was the real problem, wasn't it? I'd allowed him to hurt me and I'd allowed him to do and say so many things and get away with it without even a question, but this moment right now this was when it had to end. Because I wasn't sure if I could survive being this version of me with him a moment longer.

The me that holds on to the sleeve of his jacket praying that he won't realise how I'm _plain, dull, ugly_ and how he could have someone so much better if he wanted.

The me that lets him push me away only to pull me back the next moment and pretends that it doesn't hurt.

The anger was liberating and I almost wanted to laugh, I might have if it wouldn't have made me look absolutely mad. And I wasn't sure if I'd be able to keep from going hysterical if I did – I didn't need that right now.

"You don't get to just... say pretty words and make me forget about all the other ones you said. You don't get to tell me that your pain was worse than mine..."

He had a stricken look on his face and his mouth opened as if to say something, but I was shaking my head.

"No!" He couldn't speak now. If he did I was afraid I'd lose all my words again and I needed to say them now, they _had to_ be said because if I didn't say them out loud now I'd be thinking them and letting them eat away at me from the inside for a very long time. He closed his mouth again, not saying whatever it was that he'd meant to say.

"No, Edward. You don't get to convince me that this was all _my _fault really because I shouldn't have believed what you said. You _knew_ I'd believe it, Edward. You knew me, and you knew which words you had to say to hurt me the most. And _don't_ try to insult me by assuming that I don't know that that is _exactly _the reason why you said them."

The words were spilling out on their own now, and I hardly knew which ones were going to come next. I didn't know what I was going to do or say from one moment to the next, and while I was usually terrible at _playing things by ear_ right now it felt strangely liberating. In some distant thought I also knew that this was the reason why Alice had that surprised and anxious look on her face – because if I didn't know what I was going to do next then she couldn't _see_ it.

"You used the knowledge you had about me and my love for you to _hurt_ me as much as you possibly could, and you don't _get to_ just come back and pretend that none of that matters because _you_ _didn't mean it_."

He looked like he was going to take another step towards me so I stepped back and held my hand up for him to stay back, because this _needed to be said_.

"But that's not even the issue here, Edward. That's not the problem." I shook my head a couple of times and the forced myself to look at him, because now was _not_ the time to let hysteria take over. "The problem is you." I saw the hurt in his eyes and it made me feel oddly vindicated. "The problem is how you obviously have _no_ respect for me at all."

The stricken look was back on his face.

"Bella..." I tensed up at his words, because I couldn't let him chase my words away from me before I'd said them. "I do respect you!" I shook my head again. _No_, I had to keep my words. I had to make him listen to them.

"You've never respected me Edward. You've always overrun my decisions without even talking to me about it, because _you_ know what's best for me better than _I _do. You've always pretended you care about my opinions but then completely ignored them if they don't agree with how _you_ want a situation to turn out. How _you_ want me to react. How _you_ want me to feel. How _you _want my life to turn out. Because _I_ could never be mature enough or sensible enough to decide how _I_ want to live my own life."

I could see that my words were causing him pain, were causing everyone pain – Jasper more than anyone else because he had to feel the cumulative pain of everyone in the room on top of his own. Esme was in Carlisle's arms with her hand over her heart as if she could feel it hurting, Alice looked like she would be sobbing out her tears if she could. I couldn't stop yet though – it was so freeing to finally unload these words from where I'd kept them locked away (even from myself) for such a long time.

"I get that it's hard for you. You were born in a different century. But things change. People change. You might be able to go through year after year unchanged, but I shouldn't have to tell you that things are different now from a century ago. You can't just... _be the man_ and make all the big decisions, like I don't have any say in what I'm going to do with my life."

I took a deep breath then (for what felt like the first time in a long time) and couldn't help but smile a little bit as the anger simmered down and I thought that _yes, people do change._

"You can't just..." I was going to say it, and I hadn't even realised that I was going to say it until this very moment but I _knew_ that it was right. It _felt_ right. "You can't just come back and expect everything to be the same as it was when you left. Things are different. I'm different."

The best part is that I _was_ different, I could feel it in that moment running through my body – a feeling of _self_ and _self-worth_ like I'd never felt before, that straightened my back without any need for anger.

"I'm not sure what's worse, really. The fact that you really think I have so little self-respect that I'd come running back to you as if nothing ever happened, as if I'd never _hurt_, or the fact that not so long ago – maybe only yesterday – I actually would have.

You left, Edward. You _all_ left." I looked at the rest of them now too, because these were things I needed to say to them too. Because they had hurt me too. "I'm not going to _not_ say it and pretend that means it never happened. You _left_, and I had to learn to live without you and it _wasn't easy_. It _hurt_ so much that I thought it would _kill_ me, and it hurt for a really long time. It might not have been long for any of you but it felt like an eternity for me – an eternity where I worried everyone who cared about me, where I thought you weren't ever coming back and it would keep hurting like this forever."

I could feel the stinging behind my eyes now and stopped talking for a moment to collect myself again, I couldn't cry now. This wasn't the time to cry – I'd already let him (let all of them) do that to me once, pull me into a feeling of despair I'd thought I'd never rise from, and I couldn't, _wouldn't_, let it happen again.

"You can say what you want about vampires feeling pain more strongly than humans do, but you can't say that my pain was any less than yours."

That wasn't the point though. Not the point at all. There was something more, one last thing that needed to be said. I was strong enough to say it now, stronger today than I had been yesterday, and that felt _good_.

"Things, at least, change for us – more than they do for you. It still hurts, and I'm not sure if it _will_ ever stop hurting, but I think..." I could look into all their faces now and see the reflection of what I had just realised. The anger was gone, and left a sort of calm behind. _This is when everything changes_. "I'm okay now. I will be okay."

Only a couple of days ago I'd thought _nothing will ever be right again_, only a couple of months ago I'd thought_ the world must be ending now_.

"Maybe it was better that things happened this way. Maybe it was a good thing that I was forced to change." My voice was completely calm now, and I knew that this was the end, realised what I was going to say just after I'd actually said it – "At least now I have enough self-respect to say that this time, I'm the one who gets to walk away." – and I couldn't bring myself to regret it.

It felt strangely satisfying to see all of their faces, to know that my words had left them mute (just as mute as I had been for much too long), and to know that I was going to be okay. The only words that were spoken were said by Alice, in a quiet and pained voice.

"I don't see you anymore. I don't see your future with us, as a vampire..." Those words would once have made me scream in anger, frustration, regret... but now they made me smile – because I already knew. I'd already decided how this was going to happen, how _my life_ was going to happen (maybe not for always but in this one situation), and what I was going to let people get away with. It felt a little like I'd decided my own worth, and for the first time in my life I thought that _yes, I deserve better than this_.

I met no resistance as I walked out of the house and down the driveway away from their house. It was better that way, because I wasn't sure I wouldn't have taken that as an insult. As I walked by the side of the road all the way to my house I felt freer than I had in a long time, and I let myself revel in that freedom.

_Sometimes_, I thought, _it's _good_ to not know what the future holds_.

The End

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**1** Edward Cullen, _**New Moon**_, Chapter 23, p.509

**2** Edward Cullen, _**New Moon**_, Chapter 23, p.510

**3** Edward Cullen, _**New Moon**_, Chapter 23, p.510


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